IN PURSUIT OF FRIENDSHIP

Surely there is no need for us to underline the importance of making friends while living in a foreign country. Friends may help make the pressures osf academic life and everyday life bearable, and in the long run friends made among locals or among the international sphere makes the whole study abroad experience more interesting . And you never know: The best of friends can be made on foreign soil.

You’re probably thinking, “This chapter is a waste of time. Making friends is as basic as learning to breathe.” In our experience, it is and it isn’t. Friendships, here, there or anywhere, are basically still founded on similar interests, common experiences, but perhaps due to the cultural differences, it might prove a bit more tricky. Below are some tips for making friends, and then further on, tips on keeping connected with friends back home.

1. Take comfort, it’s a level playing field

When the first semester rolls in, everyone in your class will find themselves on the same level, friendship-wise. “It’s not like moving from high school to college in the Philippines where students know some of the others,” says Jay Gatmaitan, one of the two Filipinos in his class at Erasmus University in the Netherlands. This is especially true in graduate school, where absolutely no one knows a single person. “The locals don’t even know anybody,” says Lia Uy-Tioco who took a Master’s Degree from both NYU and the New School. “The students come from different parts of the country and don’t know anybody in school either.” It’s an even playing field out there, and we hope that by knowing this it’ll be easier for you to approach a classmate, extend a hand and introduce yourself.

2. Talk to your classmates, ask questions

Be interested and curious about the other people in your class. There is a load of things to talk about among classmates: cultural differences, factors that led you to your host country and school, your previous job, your families, the local weather compared to what you’re used to back home, even the political situation in your classmates’ countries of origin, or even, yours. “Become genuinely interested in other people” is Dale Carnegie’s first rule in making people like you. Showing interest in other people produces instant affinity.

If you do find yourself truly curious about a classmate’s culture and history but too self-conscious about your lack of knowledge regarding both current world event and world history, you can easily preface your question with “I’m sorry I am not familiar with the history of your country…” People are not as sensitive as you think, and no matter what culture they’re from, people like to talk about themselves and express their opinions. Likewise, people may not be familiar with the Philippines; so be ready with your own opinions about what’s going on, brush up on your country’s history, and learn to mask the shock when some people ask if the Philippines is an island of Indonesia.

Wise Words: Don’t limit yourself to people from Manila, even if this it the easy thing to do. Just be friendly and make small talk. It’s hard at first but there are nice people from all over. –Reine Protacio, Harvard University, Massachusetts

Wise Words: My closest friends are Filipino. They helped me make my adjustment process so enjoyable and supported me so that I didn’t feel too homesick. Meeting one Filipino (there are not too many in Michigan) led me to another, and another, and another etc. until we made a group. – Charissa Baldoria, University of Michigan, Michigan

3. Get out there, put yourself out

Don’t spend your time abroad sitting in a room sending e-mail. Go out and invite your classmates, your roommate, or your fellow dormers to coffee or a drink. If you are a sports buff, go to the park or the gym and join a team. A coffee shop or a bar’s ambiance usually encourages people to talk and loosen up. Check out our suggested list of activities on the section called “What People Do Here for Fun.” Women might be better off going in a group though, just to be safe.

Wise Words: It was a bit easier to make friends with some of the people in my program because it was small. For one particular group, we would have beers at a bar right outside school after one of our classes so that became a habit. I guess alcohol has a universal way of bringing people together. – John Alikpala, Fordham University, New York

You might also want to consider volunteering at a soup kitchen or even just offering to help an acquaintance. You’ll be surprised how friendships are formed when helping someone with homework, giving directions to a building, or with moving. Volunteering always creates good karma.

4. Take advantage of group situations

Business school students are in luck. The system of grouping incoming students into a particular sections creates an atmosphere where students constantly have to interact with one another to discuss case studies, do group work, and study for an exam. The constant contact is fodder for friendships. So are high-pressure situations.

For students who are in less structured courses or programs like the ones we took where you choose your own classes and have different classmates for each class, getting to know people entails a bit more effort. If asking a classmate to join you for a drink after class seems awkward, try checking out the list of activities found at the international students office. Most international students offices provide opportunities for student interaction like cocktails, a coffee hour, or a day trip out of town so students can meet people and be exposed to new experiences. Another reason you should go: your hefty tuition fee pays for activities like these. You might as well put your money to good use.

New York University, our alma mater is host to the largest international student population in the world. In many of the activities, we met people from almost all the continents. During a cocktail hour, Titchie met people from Australia, Brazil, Canada, Israel, Japan, Korea, and Kenya. If your school does not have a lot of activities, consider organizing one with a few friends. Alpi Bacani and his fellow Filipino students at Sophia University in Japan hosted a year-end party in the common area of their apartment. “We charged about ¥1000 per head pero drink all you can. We provided the music and decorations as well.”

Wise Words: Almost every business school has a happy hour for its students. In UCLA, it’s called “Beer Buzz.” In Stanford, it’s called “Liquidity Preference.” London Business School calls it “Sundown.”

Wise Words: I was able to find my friends through classes and school organizations. Australians are very friendly and no one will have a hard time dealing with them. Just make sure that when you make appointments that you make it or they will get pissed off. –Annaly O. Elegado, University of Queensland, Queensland

Wise Words: I met most of the coolest people around in my school’s Christian fellowship group. Attending school receptions was also a great way to meet people. – Joy Quintana, Johns Hopkins University, Washington, D.C.

Wise Words: It was easy to make friends with the people who lived in my house. I really didn’t have much of a choice. Since we had all our meals together in the main dining hall, I really couldn’t avoid making conversation with people I dined with three times a day. ––Jikee Santillan, University of Reading, Berkshire

5. Hang in there, keep trying

Tired of explaining why we can speak English? Or why, if we are Asian, we don’t use chopsticks? And who’s supposed to pay for a meal during someone’s birthday, anyway? (It depends on the country you’re in. In the US, friends of the celebrant divvy up the whole bill equally. The celebrant does not pay.)

Hang in there as you learn the customs in your host country. The constant learning is what makes living abroad exciting. And when your kids study abroad you may have some interesting stories to share.

Wise Words: I am not sure whether having a comfort zone (i.e., Pinoy friends) prevented me from taking in all the opportunities provided for us in graduate school. I truly regret that. My one advice to incoming grad students: Get involved. Even if it means having to speak English all the time. Even if it means putting oneself through tortuous hours of ridiculous banter with people you hardly know. It’s worth the life-learning process.--Michael Campos, Harvard Divinity School, Massachusetts

Wise Words: In the US, when somebody asks “Hey, how’s it going?,” do not attempt responding to the question. Instead, respond with something like, “Hey, how’s it hangin’?” –Ari Mallare, Cornell University, New York

6. No friends, yet? It’s not you

While we were at NYU, many of our classmates went to work during the day and then attended classes in the evening. After class, most of them would rush off to the subway. During a discussion about marketing cereal, one of Tricia’s classmates shared that she usually had breakfast cereal for dinner because she was so tired when she got home. Tricia then realized that her classmates seemed unfriendly mostly because most of them were just too tired to socialize!

It’s almost always NOT something you did or didn’t do. “See yourself as the host culture sees you” is one of the tips in the book “The Insiders Guide to Study Abroad” by Ann Moore. Knowing that you’ll be leaving eventually, some locals might not want to spend the time to get to know you. Or, who knows, the people around you might have a bunch of chores to do. When yours starts to pile up, you’ll understand. Racial intolerance could also be an issue. Some cultures are known to be very wary of foreigners because of something that has happened in the past. Read about the local culture from travel literature to history books. It might shed some light on the locals’ way of thinking.

Wise Words: Try to make friends with locals. It may seem “user-friendly,” but the fact is, the locals have more connections than international students. They can help you get jobs in your host country. --Anonymous

7. Count your blessings. Think positively. Be open to opportunities.

Here we are exposed to a variety of cultures and experiences. We are studying something that we are really interested in. We are living our dreams! A grateful attitude kindles a positive state of mind. And a positive outlook and a pleasant disposition are appealing to most people. Who wants to be friends with someone who goes around campus looking glum all the time?

A Filipino friend taking her Master’s in Graphic Design in the US found herself working until four or five in the morning, designing and assembling projects. On top of the demands of her course there were still chores to do! She then realized that her situation was not bound to change, at least not while she was studying . This was, for her, a reality check—she found herself in this situation because of the choices she had made. She wanted to study abroad, and this choice brought on consequences she may not have foreseen. In this instance: housework plus schoolwork equals less hours. On the other hand, she was living a dream she may have had for some years, and a dream some of us may continue to have. She is studying something that she’s passionate about, living in her own apartment, and living in a new and friendly neighborhood. She admits that her outlook changed towards a more positive attitude as she met more and more people during the course of her stay. She even met some of the more interesting people in the most unlikely of places, like a notable jazz musician on the subway, and a good-looking mountain climber at the bus stop.

Wise Words: Be open-minded but don’t lose your soul. People here appreciate diversity, so highlight your own uniqueness. --Joy Quintana, SAIS – Johns Hopkins University, Washington DC

Wise Words: I love all peoples…and my circle of friends is like a model United Nations. All you have to be is yourself and someone is bound to take interest. –Rhoel Dinglasan, Yale University, Connecticut

Staying Connected With People Back Home

Although new friends may reflect our current interests and ensure that we remain the social animal that we are, it would be impossible (and may be incredibly debilitating) to shrug off the special bonds we’ve formed with people we grew up with. These are the ones with whom we’ve shared our deepest secrets, those with whom we’ve laughed the heartiest, wherein each other’s company was enough, those who’ve listened to our sob stories and the useless melodrama we weave out from our lives. Needless to say, it is important to keep in touch with friends like these. It’s good for the soul, part of the fabric of our past and most likely, our future.

Below are the most common methods our survey respondents employed to stay connected with special people back home (or elsewhere).

1. Internet/ E-mail
Imagine being an international student before the advent of the internet. Filipino students abroad in the 60s wrote letters to their families and spent for phone calls during Christmas-time. The internet has definitely helped international students stay in constant touch with friends and family back home.

Most universities provide students with free Internet service which includes e-mail to facilitate interaction among students and their professors. Some universities even let you keep your e-mail address for the rest of your life so you don’t have to change addresses when you graduate. Or, you might be offered an alumni account that will forward your e-mail to an account that you specify.

Take advantage of your university’s Internet service as this is part of your tuition fee. You won’t have to shell out extra money for an internet connection. It is up to you to accept the lifetime e-mail service offered by the university after graduation. Universities offer this service for fund-raising purposes and are likely to contact you later to ask for donations.

2. Phone
The price of long-distance calls has significantly gone down in the last five years. In the US during the mid 90s the price for a long-distance phone call to the Philippines was 40 cents, and now it’s about 14 cents, even less. Ask fellow Filipinos and other Asians which phone company or long-distance service they use. You can make long-distance phone calls using the local phone company or you can sign up for a service that offers discounted rates for calls to the Philippines. You will be given a telephone number to call and an account number or a PIN number.

Check the city guides section for recommended services. Aside from the rate per minute, ask friends about the quality of the connection. Is there a lot of static, clicking sounds? Or does the other person’s voice echo while they’re talking. Sometimes with the rate per minute being so low some clicking sounds can be lived with.

3. Phone cards

In many countries around the world, travelers use phone cards to call home. This allows them to call from a hotel without getting charged the expensive long-distance fee. International students also use phone cards for the same reason they use a long-distance service: cheaper rates.
An additional advantage to phone cards is that since it is pre-paid (meaning payment is made when you purchase the card) you have greater control over the amount of money you spend on for your calls. When the amount is used up, the phone call is cut off.

How to Use: The number to dial and the access code is printed on the phone card. Dial that number and then the access code. Then, dial the number you wish to reach. (the host country’s long distance prefix + country code [63 Philippines] + area code [2 for Manila, 917 or 918 if calling a cell phone] + the number). Before you are connected, you will usually be told how much time is available for this particular call. A word of caution: some phone cards have unbelievably low rates but have a pricey connectivity charge per phone call. Read the fine print thoroughly.

Again ask people who have used the cards about the quality of the connection. You may want to try several phone cards, before you decide which one best suits your needs.

4. Text Messages

This is similar to sending text messages from back home! Just check local phone services for fees.

5. Instant Messaging

This technology featured in the sci-fi movie 2001 Space Odyssey is now lived reality. Both video conferencing and instant messaging have been available for a some time now. The company, ICQ first offered instant messaging in November of 1996, and many companies have followed suit.

For instant messaging (IM) all you need is your computer and an internet connection. You can download the instant messaging software from the Web. (Check out peer to peer company Web sites for more details) For video conferencing, you and your friends/family in the Philippines will need the following equipment to make it work: 1) internet connection 2) video conferencing software 3) a video camera, 4) a microphone 5) speakers (#4 and #5 usually come with the computer).

The initial investment in the equipment might pay for itself since you will no longer be spending for long-distance calls. The connection will be made via your internet connection. If your subscription to your internet service provider as well as your family’s is limited to just a few minutes a month, however, you might want to look into upgrading to an unlimited service.

6. Snail Mail
There’s nothing like the pleasure of opening your mail box and finding a hand-written letter. In this day and age, letter writing, though not yet a thing of the past, is becoming more of a rarity. This means of communication is one of the more personal ways to keep in touch with people who find themselves far away. A hand-written letter signals that the sender has placed a lot of effort in this particular communication: choosing stationery, sometimes creating a draft of the letter before writing it, going to the post office. Make someone at home happy and send them a letter.


Too busy (of course you are!) but still want to send a handwritten note? Pick out a post card when you travel and send it to friends. Restaurants, bookstores and bars usually have free postcards, some promotional, others not, which are usually rather interesting. Pick up one and send it off. You can usually find something that will make a friend back home laugh.

Trivia: ‘Want to send a birthday card to a friend on the day itself? From the US, it takes eight days for a letter to reach its destination in Manila. When mailing from Sydney it takes six days.

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Drive Away Homesickness by…

1. cooking sinigang and inviting friends over.
2. meeting friends at Chinatown and having some dimsum.
3. going away on a trip with other international students.
4. seeking out exhibitions, poetry readings, book launchings of Filipino artists,. And asking your new (or old) friends to come along.
5. calling home.
6. joining a church group for young adults.
7. going to church.
8. exercising
9. keeping a journal.
10. seeking counseling.
11. writing letters to friends and relatives all over the world.
12. taking pictures of your favorite places in your adoptive country.
13. starting a hobby: take up photography or sign up for drawing or voice lessons.
14. playing loud music.
15. watching a movie or a community play.
16. picking up a new sport, like snowboarding.

Long, long, long distance love affair

Contributor: Titchie Carandang-Tiongson, New York University, US

In the beginning, you both will claim eternal devotion, promising to keep in touch (via email, webcam, chat, text, phone, snail mail), and forever keep your love alive. Several scenarios develop. The person left behind gets the raw part of the deal – she/he stays in the home country, plodding along with the same old routine while the person leaving has a wonderful adventure ahead. Or the person who leaves misses family and friends, hates the freaky cold winters and is counting the days until his/her next trip home while the person left behind enjoys the sudden freedom of an unofficial swinging single. Both parties may become too busy to keep in touch (despite different types of free or affordable access to communication). Or both hurdle the imagined and the real obstacles to true love and live happily ever after. Being a romantic, I prefer the last scenario. Unfortunately, this has not been the case as I witnessed many a breakup among friends who courageously decided to go forward with a long distance relationship.

Long distance or not, maintaining a relationship is a challenge. Figuring out if you should stay together or not defies the most complicated formulas where you have to consider the maturity of parties involved, stage of the relationship, personality types, expectations, and unforeseen variables (the third party, staying longer than originally anticipated, etc). Many people advise communication is the most important key to a relationship. Thanks to modern technology, we have access to all types of communication but that’s not the point. You and your partner could talk everyday but still be on different levels. Girl A is talking about the parties she’s been to while Boy B is thinking about his paper on the hermeneutics of suspicion. Boy A might be complaining about city traffic while Girl B is discovering the joys of public transportation. Still it might be better to be talking than not talk at all. Sometimes it’s a challenge for the person abroad to write, with all the (new) things going on—school, work, errands, social commitments—but if one really wanted to keep in touch, one can always, and will, make time to do so.

Simply put, it’s really up to you and your partner to decide to stay together, and want to stay together. It’s a struggle but it’s worth it. I should know. I married my long-distance love.

The Nitty-Gritty Behind Going Long Distance

We promised to keep secret the identities of these three people who allowed us a peek at their methods in maintaining long-distance romance.

How often did you call your partner?

Australia Boy: Three times a week...Fridays and weekends mostly. More often when a special occasion’s around the corner.

Manila Boy: I hardly called since local rates for long-distance calls are high and I'm the student so no income. My girlfriend, on the other hand, earns dollars and long-distance calls from US is cheaper. She called almost everyday, or at least every other day. She calls either at noon here (evening there being around 8 or 9 pm, she stays in the West Coast so minus three hours) or night here (morning there). We talk from as short as 10 minutes to as long as an hour depending on the amount of kwento we have or how much we’ve missed each other.

However, we also chat on the internet almost everyday. We have unlimited access to the net so we can afford to chat for at least an hour a day. On some occasions we talked over the net (using a friend’s computer who had this feature). The biggest problem is the time difference and schedule with one of us ending up talking or chatting to the other party early into the wee hours of the morning or very late into the night.

New York Girl: Long-distance phone calls were going to be too expensive so that was out of the question. Constant e-mail was the key. I tried to e-mail as often as I could although this became harder when my schedule became too busy with schoolwork, and the daily routine of solo-living took over. But if one really wanted to keep in touch, there will always be time no matter what.